Shame in a family or society can actually have a positive utility. It can keep someone from doing dishonorable or improper acts. It is actually an element that can help to bring order to society. But today, too many people feel no shame. They do not feel that anything is out-of-bounds. In fact, people seem to push further and further into realms once thought totally shameful...just to get reactions from others. The less shame people feel, the less society is shocked by once shameful acts.
Apart from totally outrageous acts, we have lost our shame of everyday circumstances that used to cause people to feel ashamed. There is no shame in being poor. I grew up poor. We qualified for free school lunches when I was in high school (I did not participate). But, my parents always found a way to provide. There is no shame in being poor...but there is shame in being lazy and unwilling to do what it takes to make it on your own.
We now seem to have a whole generation who is growing up to feel entitled. They believe someone owes them a good education, a good job and therefore, they don't feel they have to work hard to get what they want. People believe that they need to have things (Cars, homes, travel, etc.) from the beginning of their careers that took a lifetime to accumulate a generation ago. Because of this, they are willing to enter into debt at levels that would have been unthinkable in my grandparent's generation. And, if they lose their job or have some other change where they can't pay their bills...oh well, they just go into bankruptcy...no shame. But, even in bankruptcy, they think it unfair that they would lose their home or car...that would be a shame...but it is "shame on the banks."
It is no shame to have a baby, but it is a shame that our society has such a high rate of illegitimacy. Once, families felt shame that their unwed daughters became pregnant. They even expected the father of her child to do the right thing and marry her. Now, we have teen aged girls who make pacts to get pregnant together. We have parents, teachers and other so-called responsible adults throwing these teen mothers baby showers and telling them how wonderful it is to be bringing a new life into the world. This makes other teen girls think that getting pregnant is a good thing.
When I was young, divorce was still viewed to be a shame by many...at least a failure by most. Today, divorce is just something that happens. This leads people to resort to divorce much more easily than in the past...not that it isn't emotionally painful, but there is no shame to push couples to stay together...to work out their issues. According to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri, 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce.
These are just a few examples of our loss of shame. Certainly society can have too much shame. In feudal Japan, shame, or loss of honor, could lead to ritual suicide. Shame can also be imposed by others in a way that can ruin a life. This is also unhealthy for society. But as we have moved into the age of self-esteem, where we are supposed to feel good about ourselves no matter what we do, we have lost balance between healthy self-esteem and justified shame. This, in my opinion, has not lead to a better, or happier society, but a more self indulgent and courser one...and that is a shame.
